How Our Past Relationships Affect Us

Once a relationship is over it's done and we move on, right? Nope, not so, say many psychologists. You may have heard it referred to as "emotional baggage", we carry our past relationships with us as we move forward. It doesn't matter whether the relationship was a good one or not, we still carry bits of it with us as we move through life and into other relationships.

Beliefs set in place by our past relationships may actually be sabotaging our new relationships. Learn to distinguish between the good and bad parts of the relationship. Often when a relationship ends we begin to idealize the person and the relationship in our mind and tend to forget or block out the bad parts.

It may take some time to get over a failed relationship, but do we really ever get over it? The short answer is no. We take parts of each relationship with us as we move forward. Some may be good, some not so good. Can we learn to mold what we take with and how it affects us? We can certainly learn to change how we respond to what we learn from relationships.

When a relationship ends we begin a slow process of metabolizing the relationship into our minds. If it ended badly we may try to justify what happened or try to validate our feelings. Just how we look at our past relationships is the key to learning from them and taking the best bits forward.

Start with a reality check. Be honest with yourself when you think about past relationships. Chances are you can learn from them, both the good and the not so good. Ask yourself what these parts of the past relationship were. Think about what you would change if you could change something about those relationships.

Your unmet needs and past relationship experiences add to why you choose a certain partner. If a past relationship ended badly you may secretly be looking for a similar partner so you can play out the relationship differently. Try to recognize your needs and why you look for certain types of people and train yourself to change the way you look at potential partners. You should not use a relationship to fulfill yourself. Instead, it should be a compliment that adds value to your life.

Try to take some time between relationships for yourself. Make sure you are comfortable and that you work through any personal issues so that you are the best that you can be before starting up a new relationship.